The Battle of Waterloo

The Battle of Waterloo

Billy Joel’s “Movin’ Out” keeps running through my head today. It began with my morning micturation. I looked down into my toilet bowl, and a fly circled by in that dark hollow. Flies, you know, have those two large compound eyes. They can process visual information about seven times faster than I, which means mini Jeff Goldblum had a tremendous advantage over me, even with my tall vantage point and thunderous thighs. Wellington at the battle of Waterloo used his Royal Horse Artillery to “plug up holes in his line . . . Major Bull’s troop was brought forward in support from its original position towards the rear of the allied position.” Cannons served that army well. My unbridled hair had yet been tamed into its Zoom-Room-ponytail. But, I too brought my artillery from its original position towards my rear, up front. I jammed the wadded TP into reverse (which any OB-GYN will tell you constitutes a risky tactical maneuver) and...
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